El Nino's Big Adventure

We just spent the last week at Grandma's house. Mom worked while Grammy took care of El Nino. And I find it is difficult to return home, taking el away from Grandma's arms. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? I am 40 years old and a first time mom and am finding myself longing for my mother. Is it because being a new mother is so fraught with worry? While I try to comfort my son, I long for the comfort of my own mother. Does this need for mom ever go away? Apparently the worry a mother has for her child never goes away. So I doubt the comfort of a mother's arms ever diminishes.

I'm trying to get used to the fact that I may never feel like I "know" what I'm doing as a mom. And being in my mother's presence has a serenity to it. At least she knows what to do if I don't. And really this whole nuclear family thing is a bunch of balony if you ask me. I'm much more inclined to think "it takes a village" to raise a child. I want el nino exposed to parents and grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and friends. But more than exposed, actually taking part in raising this young man to adulthood. I like the idea of a commune. But maybe I'm idealizing and imagining a life with built-in babysitters. Ether way I have to admit I feel rather lonely in this beginning phase of parenthood. I want the companionship my mother has to offer. I guess I'll just have to enjoy it when we have it.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I am unable to breastfeed el nino. It was very difficult to accept at first. I felt I was failing my son in some fundamental way. I really bought into all the militant breastfeeding propoganda out there. Sure, breastmilk is a wonder food. But if you can't (or even choose not to) breastfeed, formula is pretty darn good. And El has thrived on formula. Now that I am comfortable with the fact that I cannot breastfeed, I've become a little disenchanted with the whole breastfeeding movement. It seems to me another way to subjugate women by making the child so dependent upon her. And breastfeeding makes it difficult for the man to participate in the very basic process of feeding his child. I think it's wonderful if a mother can breastfeed and wants to breastfeed, but I think it's awful to make mother's feel "less than" if they feed formula to their babies.

It takes balance. Sometimes we have to choose a middle path. Sometimes we have to choose what might seem selfish. It is hard for me to accept this - that sometimes I will choose selfishly. But I have to believe that what I call selfish is a necessary act of self caring. And if I do not care for myself wisely, can I care for el nino wisely? If I stretch myself too thin, how can I be a good mother to el? And if I were a breastfeeding mom without utilizing formula, I think I would be stretching myself too thin. What seems like the ideal to me is a combination of both, some breastmilk and some formula. That way the child could receive the wonderful nutrition of both forms of milk and the mother could experience the wonderful bonding breastfeeding has to offer as well as the wonderful freedom of formula.

There are no easy answers. Nothing is going to change or be resolved on this issue in the few minutes I spend typing this blog. But maybe it's good to take a moment and reflect on how I am currently subjugating myself. What do I do that punishes myself or makes me feel "less than" if I don't accomplish my or someone else's idea of what is ideal? I am really hard on myself in so many ways. And I'm afraid I will pass this on to my son unless I can loosen up. So I say yippeee! for formula. Thank you for feeding my son so well, and thank you for giving el's dad the opportunity to nourish his son as well as I do.

I realized just this week that a) I have been struggling with myself to become the "perfect mother" who, of course, does not exist. And that b) in order to be an adequate mother I need to just be myself and that c) anything less than that is a failure. And realizing all of these things means that sometimes I will choose selfishly to do what feels right to me - like practicing yoga instead of holding el nino while he sleeps.

Now some of you are reading this and thinking, well duh! And I even thought that myself. But what makes sense in theory is sometimes very difficult to put into practice. I'm not sure I have much more to say on this subject other than that I am grateful to have come to this point. I only hope that I can remain a practictioner in this regard.

I have not been able to mediate for quite some time, and it is not all due to the new demands of motherhood. But the understanding that I have now of what I have been doing came out of my first mini-meditation session in quite a long time. It felt good to sit. It felt right. It felt like I was coming back to "me" - whoever that is.

El has changed my life, and I sometimes don't recognize it. I started work two weeks ago. So that felt good, felt familiar. But not much else has felt familiar since before el nino was born. This motherhood thing is challenging to say the least, and most of the time I really don't feel like I know what I'm doing. But I just keep plugging on. So when I can do the things that I like to do (like yoga, like meditating, like visiting with friends) while el nino is in the room or in my arms or just in my life, it feels really good, it feels like icing on the cake, it feels like victory. And who wouldn't want a mother who feels good, who feels joyous and victorious. Maybe, just maybe, the child of such a mother will learn to feel that way about himself.

I apologize for the delay in posting. December is a busy month, and we had a few bumps along the way. El nino was in the hospital with a fever just before Christmas. He exhibited no other signs of illness and was a real trooper through the whole ordeal. Hospitals are not our favorite places anymore - too much time was spent in them in 2006. But he got better quickly and was able to come home for the holiday which made it all the more sweet.

Wow, this parenthood thing is fraught with worry, yes? It is horrible to see your child ill. And how a nurse could suggest I will spoil my child by holding him "too much" is beyond me.

Our first Christmas with el nino was spent at his grandmother's house. He had no interest in the presents or the tree, just grandma's arms. When we were all too busy to hold him, which was not often I might add, he did very well sitting in the stroller grandma has for him. And the car ride to and from grammy's house went very well. We just had to make one stop each way. El seems to like riding in the car.

We had a pleasant New Year's Eve weekend. El's cousin R was in town and able to spend some quality time with El. He adored her and fell asleep in her arms. She is a trooper as well and held him for at least an hour while he slept, relinquishing him only when the pizza arrived. R will be joining us on our trip to Mexico in the next couple of months. So we'll have more to say about that exciting event as the time draws near.

Tia A (auntie) from Chicago arrived on New Year's Eve to meet our el. While the trip was short, she managed to squeeze in a lot of holding and a lot of advice. She wanted us to feed el nino any time he made a peep. Food is the balm for all ills apparently. We tried to explain the concept of spitting up, but I'm not sure if we made our point. Ah well. El is a lucky little boy to have such devoted family memebers.

Mommy started work this week and was glad to be back part-time for now. It's nice to have the adult stimulation. I admire women who stay home to raise their children, but I do like my day job. It took some doing to get it in the first place; so I'd like to hold on to it for a while. They are accomodating us very nicely by allowing me to work part-time for the first two months. So el nino doesn't have to get through too much of the day before mommy is back at home with him. And I have to admit that I appreciate the time I spend with him even more.

So our wishes for the New Year are for health, prosperity, and joy. We are glad to ring in 2007 and look forward to all it has to offer. Peace, love, and prosperity to all of you. Happy New Year.