Monday, February 12, 2007
Capacity meets potential
"It has taken me a long time to learn that people's capacity for something is not necessarily their capability to manifest it, and that's not even taking into account how much they actually want it." A friend of mine wrote this, and she really hit the nail on the head for how I feel about myself right now. As many of you know, I had a rather traumatic experience last October; I landed in a psych ward for about 10 days. It was post-partum something or other. And ever since then I have been struggling to stay upbeat. My confidence is shot. So I have been concentrating on how to build my confidence again. Oddly enough, I feel best about my mothering skills right now. And if truth be told my "ability" there probably has more to do with the fact that el nino is just a great kid. My friend's quote made me realize what my most pressing worry is right now. And that worry is that I am not capable of realizing my potential. Wow, that felt really good to put out there. Just writing down the words and reading them over lifts my spirit. I've been watching a lot of Oprah lately. It started while on maternity leave, this fixation with Oprah. She has a lot of shows that celebrate the spirit of some really generous people. I like that. Generosity. I think my son is quite a generous soul. Of course, you could attribute what I call his generosity to circumstance. But I like to give him credit for it.
The last week of my pregnancy I was in the hospital and had a sonogram every day to determine if this was the day labor was induced. I was pretty upset at the start of the week, really scared and feeling awful about what was going to happen. I wasn't ready for el to be delivered. But he gave me four days to get used to the idea and by Friday, the day labor was induced, I felt as ready as I could to bring my son into the world. So I thank him for giving me a few days to get used to the idea.
Two of my dearest girlfriends were able to be with us during the labor. "A" doesn't live in town but happened to be here for work that week. So el was very sweet to pick that week in particular so that A could be with us. "S" is a playwright and was in the middle of a prestigious production when el decided to join us in the world. The day el nino was born, S had a very important rehearsal at 10am (near the hospital, oddly enough). She had stayed all night long with us, and it would have been a real shame if she couldn't see the amazing part where el emerges from the womb. But again, the generosity of my son shined through. And he was born at 8:38am, giving S plenty of time to make her rehearsal.
He continues to shine and illumine us with his generosity. More often than not, as he did today, he wakes up with a smile and a coo. Oh my... such a beautiful way for mommy to start the day. He is very good about letting other people hold him while remaining quite content. Ah... what a nice boy to give others such joy. And simply speaking, his being here with us is generosity enough. Hung! Emaho! Gate gate parasamgate. All our love to you and yours.
