Tuesday, March 20, 2007
On Faith
I'll be upfront. This particular posting is about el nino's mom and not so much about el nino himself. I've been confronting the issue of faith for several months now. After my psych ward experience, my faith was shaken quite a bit. The faith that I am talking about is my faith that the universe has my back, that I'm being looked out for, that things will turn out all right. So while I say that I also need to make clear that I have been counting my blessings too. El is a wonder. And, though he came early, he is robust and healthy, and we know how lucky we are. The time we spent with el in the NICU made it clear how hard it could have been for us. Some of the babies around el nino had to struggle much more than he did. And we felt a strong bond with the other parents there.
So that said, I, personally, have been struggling off and on with my faith. And today I had an experience that made me ponder. I joined Weight Watchers recently and anything that fills me up with only few calories is a very good thing. And I discovered that coffee fills me up. But I don't want to overindulge. So I have set aside Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekend to enjoy my coffee. Today was a coffee day.
I made my coffee at home and brought it on the subway with me this morning. I was saving it until I got to work. So it was in my little plastic tote bag next to me on the seat. I was reading Don Quixote and felt a cozy warmth against my upper left thigh. Ah, that feels nice, I thought. Then I looked down at my coffee and saw that it was slightly tilted. I uprighted it and continued reading. Then I thought, I better take a closer look. And sure enough almost all of my coffee was in a pool on the seat. I alerted the woman sitting on the same seat. She was able to move before the spill made its way to her area. Then I discovered I had just enough tissues in my pocket to clean up the mess. Next I realized I was wearing my jeans, the best pants for this kind of mishap. It struck me that I had not inconvenienced other passengers and that no major damage had been done to me either.
It was only after I left the train and made my way down the street to work that I realized there was some discomfort, some embarrassment to having a wet rear end. But I chuckled at myself and kept going. And then I started thinking about faith.
Upsets are inevitable in life. But if we pay attention we may find that we have the tools to move through it with a minimum of discomfort. My psych ward experience is testament to life's little upsets. But if I'm really honest with myself, there were moments, periods of time I felt fairly content to be there. I enjoyed talking with the other patients. I heard some of their problems which helped me put my problems in perspective. I was able to use some of the clinical skills I'd learned while in grad school. And I had time, whether I liked it or not, to get myself together again. In fact, I had nothing to do except that. And I guess you could view that as a good thing. Anyway, I had the tools I needed to get through the experience. And while the road has seemed long to recover from the trauma of that experience, I am traveling that road with the tools I need, my family and friends, in particular my husband and son.
So that said, I, personally, have been struggling off and on with my faith. And today I had an experience that made me ponder. I joined Weight Watchers recently and anything that fills me up with only few calories is a very good thing. And I discovered that coffee fills me up. But I don't want to overindulge. So I have set aside Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekend to enjoy my coffee. Today was a coffee day.
I made my coffee at home and brought it on the subway with me this morning. I was saving it until I got to work. So it was in my little plastic tote bag next to me on the seat. I was reading Don Quixote and felt a cozy warmth against my upper left thigh. Ah, that feels nice, I thought. Then I looked down at my coffee and saw that it was slightly tilted. I uprighted it and continued reading. Then I thought, I better take a closer look. And sure enough almost all of my coffee was in a pool on the seat. I alerted the woman sitting on the same seat. She was able to move before the spill made its way to her area. Then I discovered I had just enough tissues in my pocket to clean up the mess. Next I realized I was wearing my jeans, the best pants for this kind of mishap. It struck me that I had not inconvenienced other passengers and that no major damage had been done to me either.
It was only after I left the train and made my way down the street to work that I realized there was some discomfort, some embarrassment to having a wet rear end. But I chuckled at myself and kept going. And then I started thinking about faith.
Upsets are inevitable in life. But if we pay attention we may find that we have the tools to move through it with a minimum of discomfort. My psych ward experience is testament to life's little upsets. But if I'm really honest with myself, there were moments, periods of time I felt fairly content to be there. I enjoyed talking with the other patients. I heard some of their problems which helped me put my problems in perspective. I was able to use some of the clinical skills I'd learned while in grad school. And I had time, whether I liked it or not, to get myself together again. In fact, I had nothing to do except that. And I guess you could view that as a good thing. Anyway, I had the tools I needed to get through the experience. And while the road has seemed long to recover from the trauma of that experience, I am traveling that road with the tools I need, my family and friends, in particular my husband and son.
So yes, I am counting my blessings. And one of those blessing I am beginning more fully to appreciate is a faith that I have the tools I need to move through life with as much comfort as one could hope for. My wish is that we all have the tools we need most, the inner peace to recognize them, and the wisdom to use them well.
