El Nino's Big Adventure

Happy First Birthday, El Nino

2007-10-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

Auntie S and Uncle K had a birthday party for el nino yesterday. We had lots of friends, a few children, and a couple of family members attend. We were mostly adults which a couple of mommy's friends thought was delightful - as they expected to be surrounded by children and were instead surrounded by grown-ups. Quite frankly, mom and dad had no intention of having a "big" first birthday celebration for el. We thought he was just too little to enjoy it, and it seemed sort of silly to make too big a deal when he won't remember any of it. But Auntie and Uncle wanted to do it, so we said, sure. And as it turns out, Auntie S and Uncle K were much smarter than mom and dad because El had a FAB-U-lous time. He seemed to understand that the party was for him, and he squeeled with delight when mom helped him open his presents. He is very social and played the guest-of-honor very well. We had homemade cupcakes decorated by guests under 12. And we played Twister too!

We really can't thank enough Auntie S, Uncle K, and all the friends and family who helped us celebrate our dear, darling boy's first birthday.

I think I will end the blog here, and thank you all for sharing in my experiences the last year and a half. We will continue to share el nino with you via email and pictures and best of all, in person. Thank you again for all your love and support. All our love to all of you.

Three Cheers for Second Place

2007-10-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Auntie S kindly agreed to babysit El Nino for about an hour on Friday while Mommy attended a yoga class. And when I came home a little later than usual, el smiled, pointed at me, and said, "Ma" when I entered the door. This is his second official word, and Auntie S is my witness. Hip hip hooray for making the second word! And daddy heard el say, in his own way, our daug's name this weekend as well. So his first words are all in the family. How fabulous is that?

Open and Close

2007-09-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

El Nino and I have been discussing open and close lately. He likes to open things but hasn't really grasped the concept of closing them. This morning we were in the bathroom together, and he opened the cabinet beneath the sink for the first time. His face broke into a luminous smile as he looked inside and saw all the treasure waiting to be pulled out and strewn upon the floor. He had truly discovered something! It was a delight to see.

And as el continues to explore his opening strategies, I am contemplating closing this blog. El will be one-year old in a couple of weeks, and it seems like a fitting time to say goodbye to the blog. It has helped me immeasurably to write my thoughts and experiences during the pregnancy and this first year of el's life. It was a tough road in many ways. And having this outlet was therapeutic for me if perhaps a little boring for whoever has deigned to read this. I will follow through here until el officially turns one and see how it goes.

Walking a fine line

2007-09-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

I took El Nino to a Mommy and Me yoga class yesterday. El hasn't had much exposure to classes, and I have had no exposure with him in a class (Dad took him to a couple of music classes in the summer). So I failed to realize the delicate balance required between interference (as el puts his hands on another child in what looks like will turn into hair pulling or falling down) and non-interference. I don't want el's enthusiasm to harm another child or tick off a parent. But I don't want to squash his enthusiasm for interaction and play either. So I am glad that I have decided to do some classes (yoga once a month or so and weekly music classes will start in January) with el. Mommy needs more practice walking the tightrope.

El began clapping on Saturday. We have been showing him this skill for quite some time, and now he has wholeheartedly embraced it. He claps when he eats, he claps when he stands, he claps when he feels like clapping and hearing a cheer. Bravo, bravo, yea, El!

First tooth!

2007-09-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

As I was re-reading some of the recent posts I realized I did not give an update to el's fever experience several weeks ago. Teeth! This picture shows which teeth he has at this point though the second tooth is just breaking the surface now. Congratulations, el nino! Some really awesome food (daddy being a chef and all) awaits you!

Mexico is for Fiestas (or is it Siestas?)

2007-09-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night of our vacation in Mexico took us to an aunt's house for dinner. She owns a restaurant and could accomodate the large group we had. El was up late that night but had a fantastic time with his 2 1/2 year old cousin, P. They look quite a lot alike actually. Tia (abuela's sister) was gracious as were her three daughters, and a wonderful evening was had by all.

Daddy's sister, Tia H, invited us to lunch at her home the next day. She lives more in the center of Mexico City, and her apartment is cosy and comfortable. Friday was spent at the anthropology musuem which turned out to be my mother's favorite tourist spot of the trip. El stayed home with Tia I and abuela. He needed a day off from the car seat, the traffic, and the hectic pace of being a tourist. He also needed time with his abuela and a day of rest before the big event on Saturday.

Saturday was el's baptism in a lovely little Catholic church near abuela's house. He was decked out like a little pope complete with yarmulkah (I know this is the Jewish word, but I don't know what it's called for Catholics. It looks the same to me.) The priest turned out to be an American who read from a Spanish bible. His pronunciation was not much better than mine. Ah well. El's dad had requested a full mass. So the whole event was rather long for mommy's taste.

Afterwards we returned to la casa and had a wonderful party where more relatives showed up. This was our last full day and night in Mexico before returning home on Sunday. Again, el did very well on the plane ride. The only hitch was getting the car out of the parking lot and back to the airport to pick us up with all the luggage. It took dad quite a while to find his way back to us, and el had a difficult time getting back to sleep. But he has had a few days to recouperate (as have mom and dad,) and we all seem to be back to normal.

Though it was exciting to visit Mexico City; wonderful to share it with "Uncle" R, cousin R, and grandma; and "a dream come true" to introduce el to all his family there, we are glad to be home where it feels rather quiet and peaceful again.

I would be remiss not to mention the tragic death of abuela's beloved dog, Baxter, while we visited last week. He ran out into the street and was hit by two cars in quick succession. He was greatly loved and is missed by many of us. It took him several days to warm up to all the new people in his home. But he spent, what turned out to be, his last evening with us soaking up love and cuddles and admiration from a house full of family. We send him blessings. (This picture is not Baxter, but it does look a little like him. He was four years old.)

El's 1st Trip to Mexico

2007-09-11T06:23:00.001-07:00

El nino took his first plane trip to Mexico September 1. We had been hearing on the news about all the flight delays and were trepidatious about the whole airport experience. So imagine our surprise when we arrived at 8:30am (2 hours before our flight) to find no lines. There were no lines to check in our bags, no lines to pass through security, no lines for a latte at Starbucks. The airport was like a ghost town. And to top it off, our flight left on time and arrived in Mexico City on time as well: no lost luggage, no upset baby, no worries at all.

I am still amazed at how easy going and resilient el nino is to new experiences. He took the plane ride (5 hours) in stride. He ate; he slept; he played. He didn't seem to mind that he was restricted to a couple of airplane seats. I guess there is some good to living in a miniscule apartment, hey?

We got to el's grandparents' house about 5:30pm and promptly proceeded to eat. My mother-in-law is an excellent cook. Because of graduate school and my subsequent pregnancy, it has been 3 1/2 years since I have tasted la comida de suegra. "Ooh la la," is all I can say. Too bad el is still too young to experience his abuela's cooking; he'll have to wait until our next trip.

Our friend, el's "Uncle" R, came with us and was a big help in the airports. It was his first trip to Mexico as well, and he gamely agreed to rent a car and drive in Mexico City. Let me just say, he made it through 3 1/2 days before he gleefully relinquished the rental car. But before that, we took both cars to Teotihuacan where the Pyramid of the Sun and the Moon are.
This was our neice R's favorite place to visit during the week. I carried el to the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in the carrier and danced around to the Rocky theme song when we made it to the top.

Teotihuacan is the largest pre-Columbian city in the America's and dates to about 200 BC. The last time I visited was well over a dozen years ago. At that time I was amazed at how little organization there was in visiting the site: no tickets, no gift shops, just individual vendors setting up shop hapharzardly around the area. My, how things have changed. Now there are tickets to come in and several gifts shops as well as a restuarant. My mother was a trooper and came with us to the site as well, though there was much too much walking required. So she remained at the entrance area reading a book. She was able to see the Pyramids from a couple of vantage points before the day was done, however.

So this gets us to Tuesday. We had several more days in Mexico and several more events took place before we came home.

First Word!

2007-08-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

I think it is fair to say that El Nino said his first word, officially, this morning: "Daddy". He's been making sounds in this general direction, and others as well, for quite some time. But I think today we gathered he actually knew what he was saying. So we've had a rather exciting week already, and it's only Wednesday!

One small step for boy...

2007-08-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

...and one giant leap for body and brain. El Nino took his first steps yesterday, two to be exact, as he reached for an object Daddy had. He did it unknowingly but that is just the beginning, yes? We have noticed that he is standing, balancing on his two legs far longer, and he is squatting more as well - something we heard is helpful for building the muscles and the balance needed to walk.

We fly off to Mexico with Grandma, Cousin R, and "Uncle" R this Saturday. Perhaps el will be walking for his abuela next week!

Parenting 101

2007-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Parenting 101: negotiation and the art of compromise. El's dad and I have different styles of parenting. And we have differing views as to how to go about certain aspects of raising el. Right now it seems to be around how to handle nighttime sleeping.

We have an interesting dynamic in our family. El's dad is the primary caregiver as he takes care of el during the day. Consequently, mom does not dictate how to manage the daytime. Nighttime is mom's domain. Or is it?

I spoke to a friend yesterday about this very topic, and she gave me some excellent advice. She suggested I go about my strategy and let dad go about his strategy and continue to have conversations about it. She said I had to realize it's all a process. Yes, that makes sense, a process. As el's dad and I are first-time parents, we are just beginning this process. We each have 10 months of parenting under our belts. I don't think either one of us is trying to bend the other to their will. And we certainly both have el's best interests at heart. We just have different ways of going about it, different ideas about what is best, and different strategies for how to move through the process.

This is a new and challenging era in our marriage. We were married for 11 years before el came on the scene. We had the "childless couple" thing down - so down, in fact, that we were probrably a little bored by it. Now it's a whole new world and oh what a world it is.

When I wish upon a star...

2007-08-15T05:42:00.000-07:00

Tia A gave el a "baby book" to write down interesting items, particularly about the first year of his life. There is a page for mom (and one for dad) to write a letter to el which I did last night. I wrote that I have one wish that I wish when I have the good fortune to be near a Buddhist prayer wheel or when I happen by a penny-filled fountain. I wish for a long, healthy, and happy life for el. Any other wishes seem minute in comparison to that wish.

I had many dreams of what I would do in this life, many wishes. And as I age (and mature, hopefully) it doesn't make me feel bad that I did not do any of those things. On the contrary, they seem rather silly from this vantage point in life. Now I am much more interested in being rather than doing - being wholly and fully myself, free from thoughtless patterned behavior, flowing through life loving and caring for myself and others. This approach to life has brought me much contentment. I strive less, appreciate more.

So el does not have a movie star mother or a presidential father. Rather he has parents who move through life simply, who endeavor not to inflict harm, and who venture to be kind. We are a work-in-progress.

Tornado

2007-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

A tornado hit Brooklyn yesterday. What? Subway service was down. What? Mommy had decided to go into work half-day to give dad some much needed rest. He had spent a restless night with el who had a fever from teething. By the time mom was headed to work, it was announced by the bus driver that the subway system was down. Mom works about 100 blocks from home and the subway is the only feasible way of getting to work via public transportation. So mom took a sick day and stayed home with el, dad, and daug. El's fever broke in the morning and he was much better the rest of the day. No teeth have arrived yet, though.

El, daug, and mom spent last weekend visiting grandma. El met his Uncle W and Aunt G who were visiting from Richmond. Uncle W is super-cool according to el who really could not get enough of him. We saw grandpa too! A fun weekend was had by all.

Harry Potter

2007-07-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

El's mom LOVES Harry Potter. Mom read all the books over the last few years without ever purchasing them. Then El came along and she thought we better own them in the event that el will have an interest in reading them with her (or without her) when he's a bit older. So in anticipation of the 7th and final book being published this summer, mom set a goal of re-reading the previous six books as a prelude to the final chapter. We are happy to report she accomplished that goal. Now she is immersed in the final book, The Deathly Hallows, and as a consequence really has nothing new to report on el. We love him dearly - he's being fed, bathed, and played with, (and kissed and hugged) but he does have a little competition right now from Harry Potter. The last book is awesome!

A day at the museum

2007-07-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

We spent a couple hours on Saturday in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We love the new Greek and Roman galleries. Lots of light which seems to attract el. We also love the roof garden! Frankly just cruising through the museum is a joy. It is so beautiful. And to go for an hour or two is a real treat.

This was el's fourth trip to the Met. The first time he promptly fell asleep.

Respite for Mom

2007-07-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

I had planned this weekend for months. Grandma and dad agreed to give mommy some much needed time to herself. A friend, Auntie J, offered me her apartment while she travels in China and Tibet. She only asked that I water her "plant friends" as she calls them. So after putting el to bed on Friday night, mom was off for her weekend of rest. And boy, did I rest! After waking up on Saturday morning, I took a two hour nap. After lunch and a little leisure reading, I took a three hour nap. And then I still went to bed at 10 o'clock that night. How's that for sleep deprivation? And I thought we (el and I) were doing quite well with our sleep routine. But I guess you can always get more rest.

I returned home Sunday afternoon to find daug, el nino, and dad asleep in the bedroom and grandma quietly reading in the living room. It looked like everybody but me had an exhausting weekend. And as I suspected, my son is an excellent example of living in the present and had absolutely no problem with mommy being gone for two days. But also, not unexpectably, we were both very pleased to be in each other's company again.

Baby Friends

2007-07-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

We just met Baby Boy B yesterday who was born March 1, 2007. He is a delightful little boy who loves to be held. El's mommy was more than happy to oblige. And Big Sister G was on hand to entertain as well. El really enjoyed playing with G. He followed her around and even began climbing the stairs after her, his first experience with stairs. He did very well. Our friends just moved into their first house in NJ, and we are so happy for them. The children have their own rooms and a back yard.

Our friends, M & K with baby girl A born October 1, 2006 just informed us they are doing great in Los Angeles, and A has begun to walk! They moved about two weeks ago and have a lovely apartment in Hollywood. Just before they left they visited with us. A & El had a grand time playing with one another, sharing toys, and touching each other's faces. A was standing so well on her own that we aren't surprised she has progressed to walking. Congratulations to our dear friends. We miss you.

We saw our third baby friend a couple of weekends ago at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Baby girl E was El's neighbor in the NIC Unit. She was born a week after el, stayed in the hospital 3 weeks just as el did, and was born the same size as el. She is doing beautifully too and was a little cuddle bear. It was delightful to see her again and to see how she is thriving.

El's grandma comes for a visit this week. He is looking forward to showing off for her and basking in her admiration.

Sibling Rivalry?

2007-07-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

We have had our daug, J, for 12 years. She has ruled the roost for quite some time now. She has adjusted well to el nino and only occasionally goes after his toys. But last week el decided he wanted her toys instead. The well chewed stuffed animal was easily dismissed, but our daug's ball was another matter. It was much more difficult to distract el from this cherished toy. And after many attempts we finally let him have it. However, on Saturday J decided to take it back.

El was sitting in the hall playing with the ball, stuffing it in his mouth. J trotted toward him, distracting el from the ball because her fur was much more delightful to touch, then J grabbed the ball back from him. After a few seconds pause, probably realizing what had just happened, el bounded after J in an effort to retreive the ball again. Dad and Mom still chuckle thinking about it. Very cute.

Wo-Man with a Plan

2007-06-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ugh, houses are ex-pen-sive in this area. I thought we could swing it but got pre-approved for a mortgage and ran in the opposite direction with my tail between my legs. I realize now that we will have to move much further from NYC in order to own a comfortable home without breaking our necks paying for it. As a consequence, el's mom and dad have come up with a two-year plan. We hope at the end of two years we'll be able to afford a home. But if we can't, we're moving anyway to a bigger apartment with room, room, room. So we will suck it up a while longer and live in our cozy nest.

Taking any and all suggestions for a good school system in a reasonably priced area (preferably accessible by metro-north along the Hudson River) within 2 hours of NYC. Or we may pick up and go somewhere else entirely. We had no idea two years ago that we would have el in our lives. I doubt we'll be able to forecast what the next two years will bring.

El continues to crawl and stand. He's very mobile and very proud of it.

2007-06-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well our newest and biggest news is that Grandma sold her house! This was the first step (we thought it would take longer to sell) in her moving in with us. So now we are more actively looking for a house. As mom and dad had the good fortune to grow up in a house, we thought we'd do our best to provide the same for el nino. And he will have the wonderful bonus of having grandma (and grandma's dog) live with him. I think our daug will be very happy about the new arrangements as well.
I've been talking to a lot of people and looking around the internet for information. High on our list of priorities is an excellent public school system. And I think we've found that (along with some economical areas) in Bergen County, New Jersey. So wish us luck and good sense as we move into this new and exciting phase of our lives.

Whiz Kid

2007-06-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

And so it begins, el nino began crawling yesterday. He hasn't figured out yet that this new skill can take him places. So far he only goes a couple of feet at a time. But he is also pulling himself up to standing. He did that again this morning in the crib. He beamed with pride.

So it is an exciting time in our household. Lots of cheers and celebrating going on.

A Mother's Arms

2007-06-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the balance between taking care of myself and taking care of my son. It's actually been a fairly constant theme. But it has come up recently as I spoke with a friend who is feeling ill and has a baby to care for. And the subject also comes up for a family member who is just beginning divorce proceedings but whose focus (for both parents actually) is on how the now grown children will fair during this process.

El nino had a bad reaction to a shot last week. His leg swoll up where the shot had been given, and he was crying in pain. I came home a little later than usual that day and brought some baby tylonol with me. As soon as I walked in the door I had this urgent need to hold my son to try to comfort him. And when his dad placed him in my arms, I could feel my whole being envelope him with love and care. I had nothing in the world I wanted to do or anywhere else I wanted to be than right there holding my child.

And baby tylonol is a blessing. It was only a few minutes after giving him the medicine (and mommy's love) that he calmed down and felt better. What a joy to see the pain ease and to have my son's normal demeanor return.

So caring for oneself and caring for one's child is a constant negotiation. Sometimes immediate need makes the decision fairly transparent, but at other times it is not quite so clear. So building a routine of self care and child care seems to be the best route. No guilt when it becomes routine. And there is a beauty to routine, a grace to it. Then when you break the routine once in a while, new life is infused into it. Anyway, those are my thoughts about it for now.

Happy 40th Birthday, Dad!

2007-06-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

El's dad turned 40 yesterday. El came early into the world and was able to celebrate his mom's 40th b'day last October. And now, at 7 1/2 months of age he was able to share his dad's 40th b'day as well.

We spent the afternoon sailing the Hudson (http://www.scaranoboat.com/Sail-Adirondack.html) by the Statue of Liberty and around Governor's Island. We learned that the waterway between Governor's Island and Brooklyn is called the Buttermilk Channel. Who knew? El slept for part of it and didn't seem to suffer from seasickness. So I think a cruise looms in our future.

The evening was spent with three dear friends having tea and dessert. Again, el slept for some of this as well. We missed our daug as she couldn't join us for the sail or the tea. So a picnic in Central Park looms in our future as well, I think.

Leave the driving to us

2007-05-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

We spent Memorial Day weekend visiting family, Great Aunts and Great Uncles and even our five-week-old cousin, a sweet little girl who has brought a glow to her mother's cheeks. Our baby cousin has a big dog to watch over her (two actually, but we only met one of them). And he slept most of the time we were there. But at one point he walked past el as he played on the floor, gave him a sniff, and licked the side of his face with his long tongue. El was undeterred and continued playing. He likes dogs. I expect there will come a time when we will have to explain to him that he is not one of them. We also visited Grandpa in the nursing home, and he really seemed to enjoy el. Grandpa said he had beautiful "features". And el liked sitting with grandpop too through his wiggles and bursts of energy.

El and mom took a bus up to visit grandma, our first together. Normally, wherever I go with el, he brings a smile to people's faces. But there was a decided hush and a generalized glare when we boarded. I was a little taken aback with this reaction. A couple of hours into the trip, however, as el was screaming from being overtired, I understood what the passengers' lack of delight at seeing a baby join the party was all about. El settled down to sleep within about five minutes. So hopefully we didn't put people out that much. I was quite proud of him. He slept most of the way and ate and played and was content to be on mom's lap. We fly to Mexico in September; so I thought it would be a good idea to get our feet wet with a little bus ride together.

As always, it was a delight to visit grandma. We look forward to a time when we will be only a holler away.

A rockin' and a rollin'

2007-05-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

We had the pleasure of having grandma visit for a week. She just left last Sunday. And she was able to see el nino growing stronger and more mobile with each passing day. He inches himself forward, stretching with all his might to reach something just beyond his grasp, and he rolls and rolls and rolls. Our daug is a big motivation to move as well. He laughs whenever he catches sight of her and reaches out to touch her fur. As our living space is small and our desire for BIG toys minimal, we're grateful to have our daug to stimulate el.

We're also fortunate to live in an area (and now that it's spring!) with lots of stimulation outside. El loves to see dad or mom strap on the bjorn because that means he's going O-U-T! Once we put him in the carrier, he kicks his legs with delight, eager to get going.

Grandma and mom watched a special about Walter Cronkite last week. A reporter asked him who was the most interesting person he ever met, this man who has interviewed presidents. Mr. Cronkite responded without hesitation, "My wife." Lovely. So I began to think, who is the most interesting person I have ever met? "My son," I think to myself. He is such a wonder and a delight. And I so enjoy watching him learn and grow. It really is a miracle, life, isn't it?

Mother's Day and the High Chair

2007-05-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

This was my first Mother's Day. (My daug and I thought other years counted but that seems to be just between us.) I was fortunate to have my own mother with me on this, my first, Mother's Day. El nino, our daug, and Dad gave me flowers, a card, and lovely photos of el that I've only seen on the computer. Now I have prints to put in a photo album! We took a little family trip to the Noguchi Museum http://www.noguchi.org/, a lovely small sculpture museum the artist designed himself with a beautiful Japanese garden. Then we came home and Dad made Mom and Grandma an elegant dinner. It was a lovely, lovely Mother's Day.

El is sitting up on his own (though it is for less than a minute at a time). But he's getting better at it every day. Daddy put together his high chair (a gift from my sangha) and he loves it! El will be able to sit in his high chair and watch mommy cook. Wow, I can make something that takes more than a couple of minutes to reheat in the microwave! Being able to cook is one of the things I took for granted before el was born and has been particularly challenging now that I have a baby. El's dad and I have a finite amount of time together during the week. So I don't want to spend my Sundays with him cooking for the week to come. So I usually eat salads or reheat leftovers from the day before or buy a slice of pizza, super quick dinners is about all I can do.

I did recently, however, start to make quiche while el napped. He woke up in the middle of the process, and I put him in the bjorn while I finished cooking. (I can put him on a play mat, but he's not quite ready for that when he wakes up from a nap). While I was rolling out the dough for the quiche shell, el got his hands in the flour. I didn't feel very graceful trying to complete the process with el between me and the counter. His daddy manages somehow but then again, he's a chef. He will always have a grace in the kitchen that I cannot match.

So now we venture into a new phase of life in the kitchen with el. The high chair will bring some new wonders to explore. Happy cooking.

Eye'm in the Pink

2007-05-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

We thought el nino had a little case of pink eye (according to the pediatrician on call over the weekend). Mom detected a problem late Saturday and immediately called the pediatrician. I wasn't too upset at that point, just wanted to alert the doctor and find out if I needed to do anything. A couple of hours later his eye looked much worse and mommy started to panic. What is this extreme worry that comes over me now? I don't worry about my own health concerns like this. I don't jump to the absolute worst case scenario when it comes to me or el's dad or our daug. But when it comes to el, I lose all perspective. And I know I'm being extreme at the time, but I have difficulty bringing myself back down to normalcy. It didn't help that daddy was at work; so I had no one to share my fears with. Ughhh.

I was putting on my coat to take el to the emergency room when I spoke to el's dad on the phone. He calmed me down and suggested I wait until morning, put some eye drops in his eye... So we went to the pharmacy instead of the emergency room, and I found some very mild eye drops that said nothing on the packaging about not giving it to babies. I put one drop in his eye, and we got ready for bed. Now, mind you, el is perfectly content this whole time. He is smiling and laughing even. There was a little period of time when he was upset, but now I think that had more to do with being tired than with his eye. He was not rubbing his eye or otherwise indicating irritation in that area.

The next morning, Sunday, his eye was even more swollen. Again, panic, should we take him to the emergency room? Now, the pediatrician had told me the day before that we could see her in the afternoon on Sunday if it was not better. So, why I would feel the need to go to the stressful emergency room, who knows? Again, daddy was the voice of reason, but this time he suggested putting Visine in el's eye. Do NOT do this. We found out later that we should not have done that. Mommy didn't look at the bottle, assumed daddy had read the label and knew what he was doing. Well, daddy did read the label but ignored the part where it clearly states not to give it to children under 2. Thankfully we didn't do any harm as it turned out but it wasn't something we should have done at all the pediatrician said. She looked at el in the afternoon and couldn't see any foreign object in his eye so decided to treat him for pink eye. Mind you, the swelling had gone down significantly by now though he was still red in and around his eye. So we don't really know for sure that he has pink eye but that is what we are treating him for. And he is doing fine.

Today, Monday, he awoke with no swelling or redness around the eye but still red in the eye. And he is cheery, talkative, and sweet. And mommy can only hope that next time she will maintain a bit more perspective. (the update - el saw his regular pediatrician on Tuesday and no pink eye. She thought he must have poked himself in the eye instead. That's my boy!)

I can't wait...

2007-05-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned in a previous post that time is on my mind lately. I don't understand it much. Sometimes I feel as though I could touch a moment in time from my past, but when I count the years that separate that moment from my present I am surprised by how long ago it actually took place. And as I watch my young son grow, I sometimes feel as though I could touch a moment of time in his future when he is 5 or 10 or 20. And I know that I will look back at these moments 20 years from now and be surprised by how quickly the time flew. And whenever I say, "I can't wait..." I startle myself into realizing whatever it is I can't wait for will come and go so quickly that I'll have forgotten I was ever impatient for it. So I will endeavor to eradicate that phrase from my conversation.

So in an effort to appreciate time or not waste time or to enjoy time or whatever it is, I am tasting each moment as fully as I can. I was a little miffed with my husband this morning because he neglected to bring el's formula home after work last night. So I had to go get it myself before I fed him and went to work. As I walked my dog, I felt the tension in my body. And then it struck me that I could actually enjoy this errand. It's a beautiful day, I was with my lovely daug in the city I love. So the tension just melted away.

As I fed el nino, I drank in the smell of him, the texture of his hair, the softness of his skin. I held him against my shoulder, patting his back, as he cooed and wiggled.

Recently I said to my husband, "I can't wait to get my haircut." As I walked to work from the subway I felt the breeze sift through my hair and it felt lovely. No haircut yet, but I'll try to enjoy the sensation until it changes into something else.

Take-your-child-to-work Day

2007-04-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

I didn't know it was Take Your Child to Work Day until today. But el nino came to work with mom yesterday - like his birth, he was ahead of schedule. Dad has been sick for a few days, and we thought we'd give him a little break. El's mom is fortunate enough to work in an environment that this is acceptable when absolutely necessary. Obviously not something to take advantage of but incredibly helpful when needed. Mommy has worked in a lot of different offices over the years, and this is the first place she encountered co-workers bringing their children to work occasionally.

Well el nino had a fine day at mom's desk. He likes the key board and all the papers mommy was "playing" with. He was either in the bjorn carrier, on mom's lap, or next to her desk on a blanket. He took a couple of naps and was carried around the floor by a couple of people. He particularly liked mom's 21-year-old co-worker. Every time she walked in the room he would laugh out loud. She was uncertain if this was a compliment but was a good sport about it.

When we got home at the end of the day, el was de-lighted to see dad. He obviously missed him. And apparently our daug was anxious all day wondering where the baby was and pacing back and forth. So we were all happy to be reunited at home at the end of the day. And now, today, mom is glad to be back at work sans el - whew, it was exhausting. But so glad we could get through the day so well and el no worse for wear.

Forget me not

2007-04-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

I thought that once the pregnancy was over my forgetfulness would dissipate. Apparently it has not. Perhaps the distraction of pregnancy is now the distraction of baby. He does seem to be on my mind more often than not. Somehow the subject of el nino comes up in most conversations and sometimes no conversations are taking place but I start one up and guess what the topic is. You guessed it, my one-and-only son. I just hope my friends will not get too bored and frustrated hearing about how well he eats (he opens his mouth eagerly anticipating the next spoonful, is that not amazing?) or how cute he looks in the morning smiling up at me when I reach into his crib to pick him up or how he loves to take mommy's exercise walk with her and our daug, but if he falls asleep mom has to put her hand on his head so it doesn't wobble too much while he is in the bjorn carrier. I mean are these not scintillating details? Ok, I'm enamored and this is my first child, and you'll all just have to give me a break. But I'm not promising to curb my enthusiasm. Just letting you know that I know I'm being a little absurd. But just a little. You'll have to forgive me my forgetfulness too. I'm beginning to think it may just be a permanent part of my life from now on. And I'm willing to live with that.

So dear, so sweet

2007-04-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

El's dad takes care of him during the day while mom is at work. Then mom comes home to take care of el while dad goes to work in the evening. So when dad comes home in the middle of the night, he has a ritual of looking adoringly at el nino while he sleeps in his crib. When mom wakes up enough to notice, it looks like a rather sacred act on dad's part. So the other night, dad came home, and looked in on el's crib, so dear, so sweet. As he turned away to ready himself for bed, we heard a fart emerge from el's crib. Dad did a double take as if to say, "Are you talking to me?" It was a "Hiya, dad, how's it goin'?" kinda fart. So dear, so sweet. And mom takes credit for having an unbroken line of fart-abulous farting ability from grandpa to mama to el.

Children of Men

2007-04-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

We just watched this movie over the weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with the plot, the movie is set in 2027 in England and humans have been unable to reproduce for 18 years. Then suddenly an immigrant (and immigrants are being persecuted - um this is the future or the present, hmmm) is pregnant. I found the movie disturbing and thought provoking. Just think for a moment what life would be like without children? No hope, barren and desolate.

The movie's world is chaos and violence. And of course many people have to live that way now. But it is hard to imagine life in England or the United States like that. We have order and precision and clean streets, gun laws, cul-de-sacs, SUVs, trees and grass and all things nice. We don't live in a police state or a Big Brother state. But this movie made me see how lucky we are and how fragile it all is. And it made me think of el nino.

Babies are wonderful. Most of us are drawn to babies in one way or another, at the very least they bring a smile to our faces if we take the time to notice. They are so vulnerable, and they smell really good most of the time. But it is what they promise that is also so important. They represent hope and potential and possibility. And it is our responsibility to nurture that possibility, to seize that hope, and to protect their vulnerability. And then we can dare to dream what they might do, who they might be, how they might live and love. And we can bask in the radiance of their presence, the purity of their smiles, the joy inside their laughter. Oh what a wonderful world!

Food, Glorious Food

2007-04-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

El nino spends his days with Dad. And he is eating cereal and fruit now. While visiting Grandma for el's first Maple Festival, he sat with us at the dinner table. At first all went well. But then he began to assert himself and yell. "What's wrong, little man?" we asked. "Whaaaaaaa!" He was sitting on his father's lap while daddy ate, and he was reaching for dad's food. Seemed like he wanted to join the meal. But Dad was not eating cereal or fruit. So we mashed up a little banana for the monkey boy and that satisfied him. But we all had to leave the table when el was done so as not to upset him all over again. He is getting bigger and noticing more and more of his surroundings, such a joy.

Auntie J just recently came back from a trip to New Zealand and brought el a little stuffed kiwi, a native bird. He was looking at the kiwi last night with it's long beak and began puckering his lips. Not sure what that signifies, but it was the first time either his father or I saw him make that particular facial expression. Perhaps el was inspired by the kiwi's extra long beak.

El is sleeping through the night now, and he doesn't wake up until Mom gets him up to eat at 7am after her alarm goes off. So mom's sleep deprivation has subsided. We await el sitting up on his own. As soon as that happens we'll let you know. Each day brings new wonders and delights.

Just a little encouragement

2007-03-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

I have already mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers. I really love the meetings and faithfully attend one (sometimes two) every week. Last week we planned a little weekend trip to Grandma's. So my usual Saturday morning meeting wouldn't work. So I decided to attend a weekday evening meeting and take el nino with me. Yes, it was his first Weight Watchers experience. And technically we are watching his weight - watching it increase and delighting in each new pound he gains.

So when I arrived with el in the bjorn carrier, I needed the leader's help to weigh in without adding el's weight to mine. The leader, Hal, happily complied and enjoyed talking with el while I weighed in.

Then el and I sat down to listen to the meeting and el proceeded to fall asleep on my lap. Just as the meeting was wrapping up, el nino began "flirting" with two young ladies sitting behind us, smiling and just being his charming little self.

For any of you unfamiliar with Weight Watchers, the meetings are important. People share their struggles and successes. The leader hands out gold stars as encouragement, and we clap for each other. At the end of the meeting, Hal mentioned to the group that el was attending his first WW meeting and because he was such a good boy he deserved a round of applause, which he got enthusiastically. What could be better?

On Faith

2007-03-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

I'll be upfront. This particular posting is about el nino's mom and not so much about el nino himself. I've been confronting the issue of faith for several months now. After my psych ward experience, my faith was shaken quite a bit. The faith that I am talking about is my faith that the universe has my back, that I'm being looked out for, that things will turn out all right. So while I say that I also need to make clear that I have been counting my blessings too. El is a wonder. And, though he came early, he is robust and healthy, and we know how lucky we are. The time we spent with el in the NICU made it clear how hard it could have been for us. Some of the babies around el nino had to struggle much more than he did. And we felt a strong bond with the other parents there.

So that said, I, personally, have been struggling off and on with my faith. And today I had an experience that made me ponder. I joined Weight Watchers recently and anything that fills me up with only few calories is a very good thing. And I discovered that coffee fills me up. But I don't want to overindulge. So I have set aside Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekend to enjoy my coffee. Today was a coffee day.

I made my coffee at home and brought it on the subway with me this morning. I was saving it until I got to work. So it was in my little plastic tote bag next to me on the seat. I was reading Don Quixote and felt a cozy warmth against my upper left thigh. Ah, that feels nice, I thought. Then I looked down at my coffee and saw that it was slightly tilted. I uprighted it and continued reading. Then I thought, I better take a closer look. And sure enough almost all of my coffee was in a pool on the seat. I alerted the woman sitting on the same seat. She was able to move before the spill made its way to her area. Then I discovered I had just enough tissues in my pocket to clean up the mess. Next I realized I was wearing my jeans, the best pants for this kind of mishap. It struck me that I had not inconvenienced other passengers and that no major damage had been done to me either.

It was only after I left the train and made my way down the street to work that I realized there was some discomfort, some embarrassment to having a wet rear end. But I chuckled at myself and kept going. And then I started thinking about faith.

Upsets are inevitable in life. But if we pay attention we may find that we have the tools to move through it with a minimum of discomfort. My psych ward experience is testament to life's little upsets. But if I'm really honest with myself, there were moments, periods of time I felt fairly content to be there. I enjoyed talking with the other patients. I heard some of their problems which helped me put my problems in perspective. I was able to use some of the clinical skills I'd learned while in grad school. And I had time, whether I liked it or not, to get myself together again. In fact, I had nothing to do except that. And I guess you could view that as a good thing. Anyway, I had the tools I needed to get through the experience. And while the road has seemed long to recover from the trauma of that experience, I am traveling that road with the tools I need, my family and friends, in particular my husband and son.

So yes, I am counting my blessings. And one of those blessing I am beginning more fully to appreciate is a faith that I have the tools I need to move through life with as much comfort as one could hope for. My wish is that we all have the tools we need most, the inner peace to recognize them, and the wisdom to use them well.

Milestones

2007-03-13T05:28:00.000-07:00

El nino has hit a couple of milestones recently - one I neglected to mention in the last post and the other happened just this week.

First, I was remiss is mentioning that el nino met his paternal grandfather a couple of weekends ago. They seemed to like each other though grandpa was a little worried el would slip off his lap. So grandma stepped in and took over the holding part. Mommy took pictures and helped gramps remember el's dad by showing him pictures of him on her phone. That seemed to help. We expect our next visit with grandpa will include el nino's dad. Grandpa, in particular, likes el's "dark eyes".

The other milestone has to do with food. El's pediatrician gave us the go ahead to give el some cereal and later fruit. When el's dad told me this, I said, "You know what that means, don't you?... We have to get the highchair out of storage." El's dad gave me a funny look and said, "Mommy, he has to learn to sit up first." "Oh... right," I said. Just got a little overexcited I guess.

So we have been giving el nino rice cereal with formula the last couple of days. He doesn't like it particularly. But we've devised a system whereby he has some formula and then a spoonful of cereal and alternate back and forth. That way he gets into a rhythm and doesn't cry. I hate to start teaching him mealtimes are upsetting by having him cry his way through it. I expect a little fruit added to the mix will help, but we have to go through each food separately first before we can begin combining them.

And other news, we had a delightful Sunday brunch with friends of ours who had a baby girl two weeks before el was born. She is a full 5 pounds bigger than el and is sitting up on her own. We expect el to figure that out in the next few weeks as he is attempting to pull himself up when lying down or lounging. The two really seem to like each other. They were holding hands for a while, and both fell asleep on the couch next to one another while the mommies and daddies ate. So sweet!

That's all for now, I think. We hope you enjoy each and every day with its little surprises as much as we do.

Getting Bigger!

2007-03-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

El nino spent the last weekend at Grandma's house. And he succeeded in doing some new things. Mommy brought a big Mickey Mouse with us to leave at grandma's. It is just about the size of el nino, and for no particular reason he was never given the opportunity to play with it at his own house. Now Mickey rested on top of his stroller, and el enjoyed looking up at him. So we brought it down to his lap where he proceeded to grab it with both hands and put Mickey's nose into his mouth. This was a new trick we were all pleased to observe.

The other new trick also involved the stroller (we don't, as yet, have a stroller, but grandma has one at her house that we use to put el in when we are eating in the kitchen). When we put el nino in the stroller this weekend, he began to push himself forward. It looks like we are moving closer to the "sitting up on his own" phase.

A month has passed since our last visit to see Grandma. And she was pleased as punch to see how much el has grown. What a big boy (12 pounds)!

What time is it?

2007-03-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

Time is such a confusing thing. I am told to enjoy this time with el nino because children grow up so fast. I find myself watching children of all ages as I ride the bus to work imagining el at that age and what it will be like for us. When I am with him, I cherish the time we have together, and it occurs to me how I longed for him to be older during the first three months, which were challenging to say the least. I wanted him to be a bit older because I wanted him to sleep longer at night, giving mommy and daddy a few more hours of uninterrupted sleep. And now he is at that stage, and it is glorious.

As I walk from the subway to work in the morning, I think how did I get to this point when only a few minutes ago I was holding el nino in my arms giving him his milk and kissing his brunette head? As I walk from the subway to work, I think later today I will be walking this path in the opposite direction and will feel surprised to be here again so soon. And then I reach the weekend or the next Monday and am surprised to have come this far already. I try to cherish the present, and it slips away so quickly into a new present. And then I think of my cousins whose sons and daughters are grown and how it must feel for them to see their adult children when it was only yesterday they were picking them up to ride on their shoulders. I can only imagine.

As I ride the bus to work, I hear two little girls sing in carefree abandon, I see a young boy reading a book about space with his mother, I pass another boy as he lugs his cello up the bus steps, I watch a father find seats for his sons, and I think of el nino and all the learning and growing we have ahead of us - his first words, first steps, first song, first dance, first solid food, first meal in the highchair and all the subsequant words, steps, songs, dances, meals he will share with his father and me. And then I am home again from my day at work, and I take el in my arms and smell his neck as I kiss him here and there and all around, touching his soft skin and gazing into his brown eyes. "What a precious being you are," I croon into his ear as he smiles or laughs out loud. And I remember wondering when will he do these things. And now he does them, and it is... miraculous.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-02-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

We seem to have a handle on the babysitting thing. We have two sitters now, our "as needed" sitter and one who will come regularly once a week. We used our occasional sitter last week. Mommy came home at 9pm after a loooong day expecting el nino to be sound asleep. (I have to admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself to have missed a whole day and evening with him, but I figured we'd greet each other at 1am when it was time for another feeding.) However, I was surprised to find el still awake. He was very tired but had, apparently, been waiting for mommy to come home. I no sooner picked him up than he fell asleep. Now, on this particular occasion it felt pretty good. However, there are other times when it feels a little funny to be the one who puts my son to sleep so quickly.

My husband will sometimes call me at work, and I can hear el nino chattering away in the background. When I come home from work or as I spend time with him on the weekends, I try to get el to talk to me the way he does to his dad, but it's rather half-hearted on his part. He just doesn't chatter with mom the way he does with daddy. I am the one who can put el nino to sleep at the drop of a hat. Am I that boring? Ah well, we all have our dubious honors in life I guess.

Sit, Baby, Sit

2007-02-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

Well we had our first babysitting experience about a week ago. And I'm happy to report we all did well. El is still in the stage where he responds well to strangers. So this is the opportune time to get him used to the babysitter. The lovely woman who sat for us will be our "whenever she's available and we need her" sitter. We are still in the process of interviewing a babysitter as we have one night a week that we need a regular sitter. I find this interviewing process to be somewhat challenging.

I hand el nino over to them when they arrive and we chat about what they are doing, how babysitting fits into their life, if they have children, what interests them about babysitting, etc. Then I check their references. What else should I be doing? I don't feel comfortable setting up a camara in my home to "watch" them as they sit for my child. Is that really necessary? I am told that is what families do here when they hire nannies. Perhaps if I needed a nanny I would set up a camara in my home, but that isn't the situation here. Am I a bad mother if I don't do that? Certainly I want my child to be safe. I can only hope that my interaction with the babysitter and by checking references I will get a good indication of the person's abilities. I know, however, that I am sometimes more trusting of people than perhaps I should be. Well anyway, if anybody has any comments about this, please let me know. In the meantime, wish us luck in our babysitter search.

Capacity meets potential

2007-02-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

"It has taken me a long time to learn that people's capacity for something is not necessarily their capability to manifest it, and that's not even taking into account how much they actually want it." A friend of mine wrote this, and she really hit the nail on the head for how I feel about myself right now. As many of you know, I had a rather traumatic experience last October; I landed in a psych ward for about 10 days. It was post-partum something or other. And ever since then I have been struggling to stay upbeat. My confidence is shot. So I have been concentrating on how to build my confidence again. Oddly enough, I feel best about my mothering skills right now. And if truth be told my "ability" there probably has more to do with the fact that el nino is just a great kid. My friend's quote made me realize what my most pressing worry is right now. And that worry is that I am not capable of realizing my potential.

Wow, that felt really good to put out there. Just writing down the words and reading them over lifts my spirit. I've been watching a lot of Oprah lately. It started while on maternity leave, this fixation with Oprah. She has a lot of shows that celebrate the spirit of some really generous people. I like that. Generosity. I think my son is quite a generous soul. Of course, you could attribute what I call his generosity to circumstance. But I like to give him credit for it.

The last week of my pregnancy I was in the hospital and had a sonogram every day to determine if this was the day labor was induced. I was pretty upset at the start of the week, really scared and feeling awful about what was going to happen. I wasn't ready for el to be delivered. But he gave me four days to get used to the idea and by Friday, the day labor was induced, I felt as ready as I could to bring my son into the world. So I thank him for giving me a few days to get used to the idea.

Two of my dearest girlfriends were able to be with us during the labor. "A" doesn't live in town but happened to be here for work that week. So el was very sweet to pick that week in particular so that A could be with us. "S" is a playwright and was in the middle of a prestigious production when el decided to join us in the world. The day el nino was born, S had a very important rehearsal at 10am (near the hospital, oddly enough). She had stayed all night long with us, and it would have been a real shame if she couldn't see the amazing part where el emerges from the womb. But again, the generosity of my son shined through. And he was born at 8:38am, giving S plenty of time to make her rehearsal.

He continues to shine and illumine us with his generosity. More often than not, as he did today, he wakes up with a smile and a coo. Oh my... such a beautiful way for mommy to start the day. He is very good about letting other people hold him while remaining quite content. Ah... what a nice boy to give others such joy. And simply speaking, his being here with us is generosity enough. Hung! Emaho! Gate gate parasamgate. All our love to you and yours.

High Five!

2007-02-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

El Nino is just that much older & bigger. He has increased how much he eats by an ounce in the last 24 hours. This means he can go longer between feedings. And mommy is experiencing more hours of sleep strung together which couldn't come at a better time. Daddy has a new job that requires later hours. So mom is handling all the nighttime feedings for now. But so far, so good.

A friend sympathized with me the other day by saying being a mom is not an easy job. It sure doesn't feel easy to me, and I guess I expressed that to her one way or another. I didn't expect it to be easy. I read books to try to prepare. But you can't truly prepare for what can only be experienced. And we certainly did not prepare ourselves for the possibility of having a premature baby. Now, with our pediatrician's approval, we can begin to take him out in public a bit. It has felt rather confining to stay so close to home. But the cold precludes too much gallavanting about. So we're still homebound most days. However, it sure is nice to know we have the choice of taking el out or not. Choice is a precious thing.

2007-01-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

We just spent the last week at Grandma's house. Mom worked while Grammy took care of El Nino. And I find it is difficult to return home, taking el away from Grandma's arms. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? I am 40 years old and a first time mom and am finding myself longing for my mother. Is it because being a new mother is so fraught with worry? While I try to comfort my son, I long for the comfort of my own mother. Does this need for mom ever go away? Apparently the worry a mother has for her child never goes away. So I doubt the comfort of a mother's arms ever diminishes.

I'm trying to get used to the fact that I may never feel like I "know" what I'm doing as a mom. And being in my mother's presence has a serenity to it. At least she knows what to do if I don't. And really this whole nuclear family thing is a bunch of balony if you ask me. I'm much more inclined to think "it takes a village" to raise a child. I want el nino exposed to parents and grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and friends. But more than exposed, actually taking part in raising this young man to adulthood. I like the idea of a commune. But maybe I'm idealizing and imagining a life with built-in babysitters. Ether way I have to admit I feel rather lonely in this beginning phase of parenthood. I want the companionship my mother has to offer. I guess I'll just have to enjoy it when we have it.

Milk Matters

2007-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control I am unable to breastfeed el nino. It was very difficult to accept at first. I felt I was failing my son in some fundamental way. I really bought into all the militant breastfeeding propoganda out there. Sure, breastmilk is a wonder food. But if you can't (or even choose not to) breastfeed, formula is pretty darn good. And El has thrived on formula. Now that I am comfortable with the fact that I cannot breastfeed, I've become a little disenchanted with the whole breastfeeding movement. It seems to me another way to subjugate women by making the child so dependent upon her. And breastfeeding makes it difficult for the man to participate in the very basic process of feeding his child. I think it's wonderful if a mother can breastfeed and wants to breastfeed, but I think it's awful to make mother's feel "less than" if they feed formula to their babies.

It takes balance. Sometimes we have to choose a middle path. Sometimes we have to choose what might seem selfish. It is hard for me to accept this - that sometimes I will choose selfishly. But I have to believe that what I call selfish is a necessary act of self caring. And if I do not care for myself wisely, can I care for el nino wisely? If I stretch myself too thin, how can I be a good mother to el? And if I were a breastfeeding mom without utilizing formula, I think I would be stretching myself too thin. What seems like the ideal to me is a combination of both, some breastmilk and some formula. That way the child could receive the wonderful nutrition of both forms of milk and the mother could experience the wonderful bonding breastfeeding has to offer as well as the wonderful freedom of formula.

There are no easy answers. Nothing is going to change or be resolved on this issue in the few minutes I spend typing this blog. But maybe it's good to take a moment and reflect on how I am currently subjugating myself. What do I do that punishes myself or makes me feel "less than" if I don't accomplish my or someone else's idea of what is ideal? I am really hard on myself in so many ways. And I'm afraid I will pass this on to my son unless I can loosen up. So I say yippeee! for formula. Thank you for feeding my son so well, and thank you for giving el's dad the opportunity to nourish his son as well as I do.

Good grief, what a relief

2007-01-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

I realized just this week that a) I have been struggling with myself to become the "perfect mother" who, of course, does not exist. And that b) in order to be an adequate mother I need to just be myself and that c) anything less than that is a failure. And realizing all of these things means that sometimes I will choose selfishly to do what feels right to me - like practicing yoga instead of holding el nino while he sleeps.

Now some of you are reading this and thinking, well duh! And I even thought that myself. But what makes sense in theory is sometimes very difficult to put into practice. I'm not sure I have much more to say on this subject other than that I am grateful to have come to this point. I only hope that I can remain a practictioner in this regard.

I have not been able to mediate for quite some time, and it is not all due to the new demands of motherhood. But the understanding that I have now of what I have been doing came out of my first mini-meditation session in quite a long time. It felt good to sit. It felt right. It felt like I was coming back to "me" - whoever that is.

El has changed my life, and I sometimes don't recognize it. I started work two weeks ago. So that felt good, felt familiar. But not much else has felt familiar since before el nino was born. This motherhood thing is challenging to say the least, and most of the time I really don't feel like I know what I'm doing. But I just keep plugging on. So when I can do the things that I like to do (like yoga, like meditating, like visiting with friends) while el nino is in the room or in my arms or just in my life, it feels really good, it feels like icing on the cake, it feels like victory. And who wouldn't want a mother who feels good, who feels joyous and victorious. Maybe, just maybe, the child of such a mother will learn to feel that way about himself.

Happy New Year

2007-01-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the delay in posting. December is a busy month, and we had a few bumps along the way. El nino was in the hospital with a fever just before Christmas. He exhibited no other signs of illness and was a real trooper through the whole ordeal. Hospitals are not our favorite places anymore - too much time was spent in them in 2006. But he got better quickly and was able to come home for the holiday which made it all the more sweet.

Wow, this parenthood thing is fraught with worry, yes? It is horrible to see your child ill. And how a nurse could suggest I will spoil my child by holding him "too much" is beyond me.

Our first Christmas with el nino was spent at his grandmother's house. He had no interest in the presents or the tree, just grandma's arms. When we were all too busy to hold him, which was not often I might add, he did very well sitting in the stroller grandma has for him. And the car ride to and from grammy's house went very well. We just had to make one stop each way. El seems to like riding in the car.

We had a pleasant New Year's Eve weekend. El's cousin R was in town and able to spend some quality time with El. He adored her and fell asleep in her arms. She is a trooper as well and held him for at least an hour while he slept, relinquishing him only when the pizza arrived. R will be joining us on our trip to Mexico in the next couple of months. So we'll have more to say about that exciting event as the time draws near.

Tia A (auntie) from Chicago arrived on New Year's Eve to meet our el. While the trip was short, she managed to squeeze in a lot of holding and a lot of advice. She wanted us to feed el nino any time he made a peep. Food is the balm for all ills apparently. We tried to explain the concept of spitting up, but I'm not sure if we made our point. Ah well. El is a lucky little boy to have such devoted family memebers.

Mommy started work this week and was glad to be back part-time for now. It's nice to have the adult stimulation. I admire women who stay home to raise their children, but I do like my day job. It took some doing to get it in the first place; so I'd like to hold on to it for a while. They are accomodating us very nicely by allowing me to work part-time for the first two months. So el nino doesn't have to get through too much of the day before mommy is back at home with him. And I have to admit that I appreciate the time I spend with him even more.

So our wishes for the New Year are for health, prosperity, and joy. We are glad to ring in 2007 and look forward to all it has to offer. Peace, love, and prosperity to all of you. Happy New Year.

Will or Won't

2006-12-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about free will for quite some time now. And it seemed rather elusive to me until I began equating it with choice. Perhaps that is elementary to you, but it was not to me. And for this posting I looked up "will" on dictionary.com and found this explanation: will (noun)
1. the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions: the freedom of the will.
2. power of choosing one's own actions: to have a strong or a weak will.
3. the act or process of using or asserting one's choice; volition: My hands are obedient to my will.

I'll be candid and honest. One of the reasons I never thought I'd have a child is because I was afraid of the huge responsibility. What will I be "teaching" my child when I don't think I'm teaching anything? What lessons will he or she learn that I have unwittingly bestowed? Because, quite frankly, I know I learned things from my parents they have no memory of and my parents remember "teaching" me things that I have no memory of. It seemed like such a gamble. Then I began thinking about free will and let myself off-the-hook so to speak.

And I am sure that we will unwittingly teach him many things we cannot now know. But el has the choice to learn them and even unlearn them. I've unlearned some things in the last few years and will continue to release myself from patterns of learned behavior that no longer serve me. It's kind of fun to realize I got stuck and then to unstick myself. And I have the free will to not see the places where I am stuck and then stay stuck in them. That's my choice as well. It's part of life and learning and growing up.

So now I realize el nino has choice in the lessons he learns from me and his father. We will do our best to provide him with unique experiences and teach him about love, respect, honor, and compassion. But it will be up to him to listen and learn. And maybe he will and maybe he won't.

A Day at the Beach

2006-11-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

I did not have the opportunity to celebrate turning 40 until this past weekend (one month after my actual b'day). And part of that celebration was to take our little family to the beach. It was a day of firsts for el nino: his first long car ride (slept all the way both ways, woo hoo!) and his first time at the ocean (didn't like that part too much, wanted to just stay in the car, ah well). It was also Grandma's first time seeing the ocean from this area of the world. And I love the beach during off-season. El's Dad had a good time too since he suggested we stay to watch the sunset. It was a grand outing. The next day was a ladies tea party with several of my friends. So it was a lovely 40th birthday weekend.

El is growing and growing. He is over six pounds now, and he is six weeks old. He tends to be cranky in the evening and has a hard time getting to sleep unless he remains safely ensconsed in someone's arms. But once we hit mommy's bedtime, el is very good about sleeping in his bassinet. So I count myself very lucky indeed. While he has a piercing cry, he also makes very sweet cooing sounds. And his scent smells sweet too. Of course this is not necessarily when we have a diaper to change. Though, quite frankly, I don't mind that part of parenthood either.

One thing leads to another

2006-11-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Something wonderful has been happening to my body. Of course it started while I was pregnant, but the wonderful part is that it continues, to some extent, after the birth of my child. I feel a physical connection with el nino. I have no idea if his father feels something akin to it. It's not necessarily a blissful thing. For example, I seem to burp (and fart) while I am burping (and farting?) El during a feeding. Coincidence? Perhaps. The lovely part is when he is resting on my chest. It really is one of the strongest feelings of contentment I have experienced.
And I have always felt a strong bond with my own mother. As el nino rested against her chest the other day, I commented that I remember it being one of the nicest, safest places for me to rest in the world. Mom said, you can't remember that! Well, no, I don't remember it when I was El's age, but I do remember resting against mom's bosom throughout my childhood. And I most certainly do know that it is a safe and warm place no matter what age. I'm sure I have rested my head in that very spot more than once this year.

So my comment today to my mother when I explained to her the physical connection I feel to el nino (and to her) was, "I wonder what it must be like for you with your grandchildren." "Well, it's something. I don't think I can describe it... Each one was different when they were babies because their personalities are so different," she replied. I asked if she would type something for the blog about it, but she felt shy. So I write it here for her.

My mother has come to our rescue these last few weeks. She has stayed with us while we adjust to the new and intense role of parenthood. "I get along very well with El," she said. I said, "What is almost more important is that El gets along very well with you." There really is something quite remarkable going on between the two of them, and I can only imagine what it must feel like for her (and for him).

In the meantime, I will bask in the wonder of having my child rest against my chest, and I will rest in the peace that comes along with it. Happy Thanksgiving.

Let It Snow!

2006-11-17T05:12:00.000-08:00

I love the winter. I love the snow. And I look forward to sharing my love for this season with my son. We are only a week away from Thanksgiving, and the weather is warm. But this is not global warming according to our current President of the ol' U.S. of A. Well, either way, for the snow-lovers, it pretty much sucks.

El nino was given a particularly lovely coat and pant set for the winter by his aunt and uncle. But unless there is a winter, he will be unable to indulge in the joys of wearing this cute-as-a-button SNOWsuit. Perhaps this sounds materialistic to you. And perhaps it is in a way. But it seems to me that every day is so fleeting in this life. And the wonders that el nino discovers and also creates each day make the transience of life even more noticeable. And it would be sad, sad, sad to me if this winter lacked the beauty of a hale and hearty season of delightful and delicious snow, snow, snow. So el nino and I sing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

Exercise your right to sleep

2006-11-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

Today's visit to the pediatrician told us el nino is gaining an ounce a day (just as he should be according to the doctor), and he has added another 1/2 inch to his length. I guess we start calling it height when he starts walking, huh? And today I spoke with my friend whose daughter was born two weeks before El. She was looking forward to their next pediatrician visit so she could find out how much weight her daughter has gained. So I am glad to know that this particular obsession is not mine alone.

The pregnancy and birth of my son has shown me a whole new side to weight gain. Now I look forward to the increase in my son's weight. Unfortunately, most of my adult life has been spent worrying about how much I weigh and will I be able to lose any of it. And now that I have the pregnancy pounds to lose, I am oddly unphased and don't particularly care how long it will take to lose the pounds (if I am able to lose them at all). And while I would still admit to being vain and that I like to look good in my clothing, I am also, if the truth be told, a little proud of my protruding belly - a sign that I have delivered a life into the world.

And I am happy to just sit and hold my son. Other than walking here and there as necessary, the only other exercise I get is for my fingers as I type this blog. I am also happy to eat and to sleep - ahhhh sleep. The wise advice many have given me that I am happy, happy, happy to comply with is: "Sleep when the baby is sleeping." Ah the bliss of sleep... So now that el nino is comfortably asleep in my arms, I am off to take a nap myself. Sweet dreams.

What a to do

2006-11-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

Exactly one month ago today my labor was induced - Friday, October 13th. Sixteen hours later, el nino was born. The last four weeks have tumbled by with a force and energy that is hard to describe. And now our son is one month old. Hard to believe. I am still struggling to move past the hysteria of the last few weeks, but I find that when I am holding my son - feeding him, singing to him, or just gazing upon him - I am free to bask in the wonder of the new life blazing before me.

One of the new additions to my life, other than my son, is my psychiatrist. Because I need to be on medication for the time being, I must be monitored by a psychiatrist. The psychologisit I have been working with for almost a year must be supplemented by this M.D. which is fine with me. I met with her today and expressed my wish to "lighten up", to have more fun. I feel my son deserves this from me, and I deserve it from myself. A noble goal to be sure but one that I must be patient about, my psychiatrist advised, "Time, in time..." And so I thank my friends and family (again) for their emails of encouragement and love. It helps so much to read them and to reach out to you here.

A dear friend who lives 3000 miles away connected with me on the phone last night. We were amazed to discover how many things we have in common right now as we both go through our own distinct healing processes (her's is mainly physical, mine mainly mental. But like the yin yang symbol, we have some of the other that needs healing as well.) We have both reached the age of 40 and began this discussion by claiming our need to write down our "to do" lists was a sign of age. But as we discussed it further, we decided perhaps it was a sign of maturity rather than "age". Yes, it's true I could hold several "to do" items in my mind at one time when I was in my late 20's and early 30's. But I could not do that in my teens or early 20's. I think I had other priorities (like raging hormones for example). My late 20's and 30's were very much about how much I could do, how much I could accomplish. And now that I'm a bit older I am less interested in how much I can accomplish and much more attracted to how attentive I can be to the people in front of me, to the conversation we are having, to the surroundings we find ourselves in. The "to do" lists are a necessary part of daily life but not a defining part of my life as they were less than ten years ago. I am finding that the defining part of my life is the relationships I hold dear. And as I age, I have the great good fortune of knowing and loving many, many dear ones. And now I have a son to add to my blessings. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Assuming Humility

2006-11-10T04:27:00.000-08:00

It's a little after 7am, and el nino is sleeping in my arms as I type this. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of El's maternal grandma later this morning. She will be staying with us for about a week. And I think she is just hitting the road right about now with my cousin, K. Both of these wonderful ladies came to visit me while I was in the hospital. I'll explain a bit more about that.

I had a meltdown almost a week after El's arrival, and the meltdown took place at the hospital. So I was taken to the emergency room and then the psych ward. The really hard part was getting out of the psych ward to visit my baby. And, unfortunately, the doctors and staff continued to tell me (and my husband) that I would have daily access to el nino. This turned out not to be true. In the week and a half I was ensconsed in Chez Psych, I visited El only twice for a total of about an hour. Not what I would call daily access.

It's been tough to admit to myself that I lost control of my life, my mind, and my son for even a brief amount of time. But I think the story needs to be told for my own benefit and perhaps the benefit of others (if the telling helps one other, then that would be more than enough). So I expect I will continue to share bits of this experience with you, dear readers, as time moves on.

I am surprised to hear my friends tell me, "Oh, those first few weeks were really hard - the hardest. I cried every day..." or something to that affect. I don't think I had any idea how powerful the hormones are that course through a woman's body after giving birth and how doggone tired we are after labor. T-I-R-E-D! Hence the apt name of "labor".

And yes, it is vitally important to have help right after the baby comes, and that help is needed whether the baby comes home right away or has to stay in the hospital. And mothers, especially new mothers like me, need to be Humble (with a capital H) and accept the help AND the advice because, believe it or not, after going through labor you do NOT suddenly know everything you need to know. And, if you're someone like me who thought she knew everything before labor, you are in for even more of a shock.

But now our dear boy is home with us, and it is time for happier stories (for the moment at least). I had to interrupt my soliloquy to put El down in his bassinet. He makes noises when he sleeps, little squeeks and moaning cries. Are these the sounds he makes while dreaming, as his father believes? Are they the creaks and groans of growing "pains"? Or are they the delightful babble of life itself before language intervenes?

Another of the lessons I've learned in the few short weeks since el nino's birth (other than humility) is to not make assumptions. Ah is this hard! I've learned it's not good to make assumptions, but I haven't learned HOW not to make them yet. If I get a clue, I'll pass it along to you. (By the way, I don't mean the biblical kind of assumption.) So I won't assume that El's sounds are any of the explanations I've listed above. Good luck to you in your journey through the day and may you breathe freely, feel an ounce of humility, and make one less assumption. All our love.

Getting Started

2006-11-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

This blog began as an update for family and friends during my pregnancy. Now I will be writing it about El Nino's adventures outside of the womb. And in an effort to protect his privacy I will be referring to him as "el nino" or "el" for short. I will attempt to refrain from posting pictures of "el" as well. But the one here seems anonymous enough.

This is "El" on his birthday being helped by his nurse. El came home from the NICU earlier this week. We are all grateful and excited to be home together at last.

The NICU doctors told us to expect El to come home at the end of November. But El was in a hurry to come out into the world and in a hurry to come home too. So after 3 weeks in the hospital, mommy and daddy brought el nino home. Our daugh (we think of our dog as a full member of the family. She is a bit of a daughter to us, thus the "new" way to spell dog) was not sure what to make of el and proceeded to ignore him for the first several hours he was home. Then she was ready to sniff el, but Dad had other ideas. So the full sniff has yet to take place between them. I will keep you posted.

El had his first appointment with his pediatrician. He has now reached the 5 pound mark (Yipppeee - mom had set that particular weight as a significant milestone), and he has lengthened by an inch and a half since birth. So El's appetite has proven advantageous.

I apologize for the lag between postings, but I'm sure you can understand how hectic the days and weeks have been between our last posting and this one. I look forward to updating you on el's (and our) progress. All our love.

Pregnancy Stories

2006-10-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

It occured to me last night as I was telling pregnancy stories to my friend, K, that I should perhaps record some of them here for el nino to read one day (just in case I forget). [Oh, and it seems as though el nino really likes K. She put her hand on my belly for a minute or so and el nino moved for her 3x - unusual for him as he tends to stop moving as soon as his daddy places his hand on my stomach. She was expressing her enthusiasm to babysit when she got the biggest of the three kicks. Apparently, el nino likes the idea too.]

Stories from the "beginning" of the pregnancy: I began this pregnancy totally oblivious. I was so oblivious, in fact, that I joined Weight Watchers for about a week. But thanks to that, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I pregnant?" when filling out a Weight Watchers form online. You know the conclusion of that story already. By the time I went to the OB, I was 13 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy. So, as my friend A pointed out, while most people have 9 to 10 months to prepare for their newest addition, we have fallen short of that by three months .

Hubby and I took a trip to my mother's for Memorial Day weekend which was when we told Mom the news. She was not quite sure how to react at first; chalk it up to shock I guess. Hubby and I had so convinced our families over the last 11 years of our marriage that we were not having children that some family members had a hard time believing us. Perhaps we had confused Memorial Day with April Fool's Day?

As many of you know, Dad was placed in a nursing home at the beginning of this year as he suffers from Alzheimer's Disease along with other medical ailments. And it was Memorial Day weekend when we told him about our pregnancy as well. "But you're not married!" he exclaimed. "Well, yes, I am, Dad. I have been married for 11 years." "Oh... well I guess it's all right then," he replied. Subsequent visits with my father continue to require explanation, not surprisingly. However, the last couple of visits my declaration of being married has not assuaged his concern over my being pregnant. Why, I wondered. Then, as we continued to talk, we discovered he thought Mom was aged 35. So if that were true, I would not be born yet. But in my father's logical mind that would put me to about 15 years of age (maybe he thinks I'm my older sister). Thus his concern with having a pregnant teenage daughter. What will his friends think?

What Dad doesn't realize, and what continues to delightfully surprise me, is how happy Mom & Dad's friends are for us. It seems as though the blessing of this baby has already touched many people's hearts. And we couldn't be more pleased to be able to share this experience with you.

A Walk in the Woods

2006-10-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

My friend, E, and I took a short trip to visit a megalith park on the eastern edge of Pennsylvania called Columcille. We arrived in the a.m. and began our communion with nature by sitting on a large stone to meditate. However, gnats abounded and my pregnant self was too tempting to ignore. So I put up my hood, covered my mouth and nose with one hand, and lowered my head in an effort to dissuade the eager bugs. I managed to meditate for perhaps 5 minutes this way. Ah well. Let's take a walk in the woods instead.

Every time I find myself meandering through a forest, I remember how much I enjoy being among the trees. The first home that I lived in as a child was within walking distance of a forest that has, sadly, been de-forested over the years. And my parents' property contained a hickory grove. I've always loved the peace and beauty of the woods. My friend, E, is a self-declared rock hugger. I didn't realize people enjoyed rocks as much as I enjoy trees. My morning at Columcille showed me the beauty of these large beautiful boulders. While I still consider myself a tree hugger, I can appreciate my rock-hugging friends' preference.

I am moving into the final weeks of my pregnancy. This is the last week of my 7th month. And I am attempting to slow down, rest, and enjoy this wondrous time of life. My walk in the woods was a lovely way to transition into this quiet and contemplative phase as my husband and I eagerly await the arrival of our son.

The Dalai Lama in NYC

2006-09-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama was in NYC over this past weekend (Sept. 23-25) to give teachings. The event has been sold out for months, but I was lucky enough to buy a ticket from a sangha friend who had a last minute extra. I was ecstatic!

I have only ever had the pleasure of attending the Dalai Lama's public events over the last few years. So it was a real thrill to be in his presence over a couple of days and to receive teachings from him. El nino seemed to like it too as he was moving around quite a bit while I quietly sat and listened to His Holiness (yes, I know, quietly sitting probably had something to do with it, but I prefer to think he liked the energy of HH's presence).

And oh, what a presence the Dalai Lama has! He does not come across as an unapproachable, unreal, holier than thou person. On the contrary, he exudes humility amd sincere enthusiasm. He laughs a lot. So that is what we have been doing the last few days: laughing and enjoying life. Emaho!

We love our dogs!

2006-09-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

My neice was recently adopted by this cutie. Pictured here is R and her new dog, a rescued 3-month old golden retriever/chow mix (clearly mostly retriever). They look like they were made for each other with so much blond hair between the two of them, don't you think?

I spent last week with my mother while I conducted trainings and attended meetings in the area for work. I was "pampered by Pat" who even made me one of my favorite lunches to take to work one day - PB&J and tomato soup. YUM! Aren't moms grand! It was a real pleasure to have a week hanging out with mum.

We went to see Dad on Saturday. He was in the dining/recreation room on his floor when we arrived (our dogs were in tow), and we sat in an area suffused with sunlight. There we met the resident cat. She made herself comfortable around our feet while she sniffed our lunch bag and kept her eyes on our two dogs.

Now, generally mom's dog feels quite at home while visiting his daddy. He receives lots of attention from the other residents. And I think it's fair to say he struts around like he knows what's what. Well the resident cat had other ideas and decided to tell mom's J a thing or two. Enough was enough. She hissed and swiped at him with her declawed paw. And J shot out of the room like he'd been struck by lightening. I almost couldn't catch up to him, but thankfully a nurse intervened and caught him by the leash on his way out the door. I scooped him up and carried him like a baby back to mom and dad. But he wasn't so sure that was a good idea. He kept a vigilent eye out for the cat the rest of our visit and stayed close to mom and dad. His wanderlust extinguished.

My dog enjoyed her week in the country with Grandma and mommy. She is a mischievious pup when visiting gram. When she and mom's J are left alone in the house, she manages to pull something out of the cabinets (eluding our security), or finds food in an area our security system overlooked. She enjoyed (and perhaps mom's J shared in the loot) a half box of dog treats one day and a packet of Raman (sic) noodles another day. We just can't think of all the ways my dog can elude our attempts to thwart her search for food.

Oh, and the pregnancy... well the baby is growing, my tummy is bigger, and I've begun to feel hiccups from el nino every few days. I'm still getting around pretty well and have no complaints. But my travel days are almost over. As of October, I will be sticking very close to home. I am used to visiting Mom and Dad once a month. So this will be a long spell for me. But Mom is planning a couple of trips to NJ & NYC including Thanksgiving. So we all look forward to that.

Shower Surprise

2006-09-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

My sister, C, and mother hosted a baby shower for us. Attendees were aunts and cousins (no uncles or male cousins for some reason). The quilt is made by Mom. Lovely, lovely. C made beautiful white chenille bumpers for the baby crib, and we received many Winnie-the-Pooh themed gifts. Our heartfelt thanks and love to all!

C & Mom baked & decorated this clever cake - carrot with cream cheese frosting and blueberries as the accent. The food was delightful as was the conversation. C passed around a parenting tip notebook for each family member to share a cherished piece of child-rearing advice. It makes a lovely keepsake and one that we will treasure.

Sunday we all (Mom, C, and our nephew) went to visit Dad at the nursing home. C took these beautiful pictures, and I wanted to share them with you. Much love to you all. And I'll keep you posted as we progress. (Next week begins our third trimester!)

Week 25!

2006-08-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

According to one of the many pregnancy books I have at my finger tips, the baby (fetus) is approximately 1.5 pounds this week and 8.8 inches long. When my husband and I saw the baby last (about 2 weeks ago during an ultrasound), he was exhibiting some yoga prowess by touching his forehead with his foot. "That's my yoga baby!" I said. Thank goodness he will take after me in something. With all the stories my husband tells me about his childhood escapades, I worry our son will take after his father a little too much and run me ragged. On the other hand, perhaps he will just run his father ragged - karma, baby, karma!

Is it a food craving?

2006-08-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I were watching a movie on Friday night at home that was not holding our attention. Then there was a scene set at Magnolia Bakery, famous for cupcakes and a long line. I said, "I could really go for a cupcake right now." He replied, "Want me to drive you to Magnolia Bakery?" So that's what we did. Not only was it a first for us to go there but it was a first for us to take a rather frivolous drive in NYC. It was fun! And I came home with half a dozen cupcakes I've been enjoying ever since. So I would say my husband is embracing the conventional man's role during pregnancy - get her whatever she wants. Ah love!

Take a seat!

2006-08-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

It happened. It finally happened! Yesterday as I rode the subway, a lovely woman offered me her seat. Since I was only going one stop, I thanked her but continued to stand. Just before I exited, I said to her, "I have to tell you, you are the first person who has offered me a seat my whole pregnancy. So you're special!"

Later that evening as I rode the subway home, another lovely woman relinquished her seat so that I could sit down! Twice in one day! I was on a roll.

My brother, B, was visting earlier in the week and took this photo of us. As you can see, we're happy. Mom, Dad, baby, and big sister dog, J, are all doing well.

It was great to have some time with B (though we wish it could have been longer). And now our nephew is living in the Big Apple, yipeee!

Time for the Boys!

2006-08-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

This week marked the first time my husband could feel the baby move. Yippeeee! And it seemed to me that the baby was responding to his daddy's voice. When he came home from work, he greeted me and said, "Hello, nino. Como estas?" as he rubbed my belly. Within about a minute or so, the baby started to move. That's when my husband felt the movement for the first time. The next morning the same thing happened. You can call it coincidence, if you like. It was exciting nonetheless.

This picture was taken by me a couple of years ago when the three of us went on the ferry to Cape May. Our dog, J, and Daddy time.

Yesterday we went with our friends K&M (who are expecting a girl in October) to Woodbury Commons (an outlet mall about an hour outside of NYC). We came home with a few things for el nino. One outfit, in particular, is in honor of his Uncle B as it has an airplane on the shirt. B is moving our nephew to NYC today. And we look forward to having a couple of days with my brother. And we are so excited about our nephew's move. He loves to shop. When we told him that I was pregnant, almost the first thing he said was "I can take you maternity clothes shopping!" So, I expect to look like a much more stylish pregnant lady any day now.

Nesting?

2006-07-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

My brother, B, told me about this "nesting" thing that happens to pregnant women. I'm not sure if it started or my apartment was just in desperate need of cleaning (or a little bit of both), but I found myself scrubbing areas of my home that I didn't know existed. And I threw out some stuff too, put papers away, shredded others. Ah, sweet relief. As many of you know, we have limited space in our New York apartment which requires a bi-annual purging.

My latest concern is the amount of books we have - lots of book shelves bursting with books. And we've already begun buying books for the baby. So we've got to give the little guy at least a shelf of his own. Since Daddy already categorically refused to purge any of his books, I guess Mommy will have to get rid of her economics books. (I bought them for my last two semesters of grad school.) I thought they might come in handy some day. But if I'm really honest with myself, I'll probably never crack them open again. And if truth be told that would be a sweet relief too.

Feelin' Pregnant

2006-07-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it's the heat earlier in the week or the added weight or the combination of the two, but I am feeling pregnant this week moreso than at any other time. I think I have even begun to waddle, particularly at the end of the day. Sad but true. The good news is I can feel the baby move this week. I've been anxiously awaiting this part of the pregnancy and am glad it's finally here. I have moments during the day, at work, when I feel a series of flutters that brings a smile to my face. Now I look forward to the time when my husband and others will be able to rest their hands on my abdomen and feel the baby for themselves. Awesome!

Niagara Falls July 2006

2006-07-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

We didn't stay long on the U.S. side. The view from Canada was awesome!

Juan took this photo of Mom and me (with the dogs at our feet) in Niagara Falls, USA. It was very hot, and we had to stop and rest.

Our Newest Addition

2006-07-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY, JULY 18, 2006
WEEK 20

I am at the mid-way point in the pregnancy. My husband joined me at the doctor's appointment last week and got his first peak at the little guy. Afterwards, he said to me, "He looks like a little monster." "Well, he's your little monster," I replied. If you'd like to see a picture of him, just open pretty much any parenting/baby magazine with an ultrasound picture in it, and you'll see him. We did just that last night and were amazed to see our son's picture published already. Well I guess we all really do look alike when it comes right down to it.

The pregnancy has been going well. I have gained about 10 pounds total so far. Not a lot but enough for the baby apparently. I do have a little pooch now that is visible. Though it hasn't helped me get a seat on the bus yet. I'll keep you posted on that.