El Nino's Big Adventure

I did not have the opportunity to celebrate turning 40 until this past weekend (one month after my actual b'day). And part of that celebration was to take our little family to the beach. It was a day of firsts for el nino: his first long car ride (slept all the way both ways, woo hoo!) and his first time at the ocean (didn't like that part too much, wanted to just stay in the car, ah well). It was also Grandma's first time seeing the ocean from this area of the world. And I love the beach during off-season. El's Dad had a good time too since he suggested we stay to watch the sunset. It was a grand outing. The next day was a ladies tea party with several of my friends. So it was a lovely 40th birthday weekend.

El is growing and growing. He is over six pounds now, and he is six weeks old. He tends to be cranky in the evening and has a hard time getting to sleep unless he remains safely ensconsed in someone's arms. But once we hit mommy's bedtime, el is very good about sleeping in his bassinet. So I count myself very lucky indeed. While he has a piercing cry, he also makes very sweet cooing sounds. And his scent smells sweet too. Of course this is not necessarily when we have a diaper to change. Though, quite frankly, I don't mind that part of parenthood either.

Something wonderful has been happening to my body. Of course it started while I was pregnant, but the wonderful part is that it continues, to some extent, after the birth of my child. I feel a physical connection with el nino. I have no idea if his father feels something akin to it. It's not necessarily a blissful thing. For example, I seem to burp (and fart) while I am burping (and farting?) El during a feeding. Coincidence? Perhaps. The lovely part is when he is resting on my chest. It really is one of the strongest feelings of contentment I have experienced.
And I have always felt a strong bond with my own mother. As el nino rested against her chest the other day, I commented that I remember it being one of the nicest, safest places for me to rest in the world. Mom said, you can't remember that! Well, no, I don't remember it when I was El's age, but I do remember resting against mom's bosom throughout my childhood. And I most certainly do know that it is a safe and warm place no matter what age. I'm sure I have rested my head in that very spot more than once this year.

So my comment today to my mother when I explained to her the physical connection I feel to el nino (and to her) was, "I wonder what it must be like for you with your grandchildren." "Well, it's something. I don't think I can describe it... Each one was different when they were babies because their personalities are so different," she replied. I asked if she would type something for the blog about it, but she felt shy. So I write it here for her.

My mother has come to our rescue these last few weeks. She has stayed with us while we adjust to the new and intense role of parenthood. "I get along very well with El," she said. I said, "What is almost more important is that El gets along very well with you." There really is something quite remarkable going on between the two of them, and I can only imagine what it must feel like for her (and for him).

In the meantime, I will bask in the wonder of having my child rest against my chest, and I will rest in the peace that comes along with it. Happy Thanksgiving.

I love the winter. I love the snow. And I look forward to sharing my love for this season with my son. We are only a week away from Thanksgiving, and the weather is warm. But this is not global warming according to our current President of the ol' U.S. of A. Well, either way, for the snow-lovers, it pretty much sucks.

El nino was given a particularly lovely coat and pant set for the winter by his aunt and uncle. But unless there is a winter, he will be unable to indulge in the joys of wearing this cute-as-a-button SNOWsuit. Perhaps this sounds materialistic to you. And perhaps it is in a way. But it seems to me that every day is so fleeting in this life. And the wonders that el nino discovers and also creates each day make the transience of life even more noticeable. And it would be sad, sad, sad to me if this winter lacked the beauty of a hale and hearty season of delightful and delicious snow, snow, snow. So el nino and I sing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

Today's visit to the pediatrician told us el nino is gaining an ounce a day (just as he should be according to the doctor), and he has added another 1/2 inch to his length. I guess we start calling it height when he starts walking, huh? And today I spoke with my friend whose daughter was born two weeks before El. She was looking forward to their next pediatrician visit so she could find out how much weight her daughter has gained. So I am glad to know that this particular obsession is not mine alone.

The pregnancy and birth of my son has shown me a whole new side to weight gain. Now I look forward to the increase in my son's weight. Unfortunately, most of my adult life has been spent worrying about how much I weigh and will I be able to lose any of it. And now that I have the pregnancy pounds to lose, I am oddly unphased and don't particularly care how long it will take to lose the pounds (if I am able to lose them at all). And while I would still admit to being vain and that I like to look good in my clothing, I am also, if the truth be told, a little proud of my protruding belly - a sign that I have delivered a life into the world.

And I am happy to just sit and hold my son. Other than walking here and there as necessary, the only other exercise I get is for my fingers as I type this blog. I am also happy to eat and to sleep - ahhhh sleep. The wise advice many have given me that I am happy, happy, happy to comply with is: "Sleep when the baby is sleeping." Ah the bliss of sleep... So now that el nino is comfortably asleep in my arms, I am off to take a nap myself. Sweet dreams.

Exactly one month ago today my labor was induced - Friday, October 13th. Sixteen hours later, el nino was born. The last four weeks have tumbled by with a force and energy that is hard to describe. And now our son is one month old. Hard to believe. I am still struggling to move past the hysteria of the last few weeks, but I find that when I am holding my son - feeding him, singing to him, or just gazing upon him - I am free to bask in the wonder of the new life blazing before me.

One of the new additions to my life, other than my son, is my psychiatrist. Because I need to be on medication for the time being, I must be monitored by a psychiatrist. The psychologisit I have been working with for almost a year must be supplemented by this M.D. which is fine with me. I met with her today and expressed my wish to "lighten up", to have more fun. I feel my son deserves this from me, and I deserve it from myself. A noble goal to be sure but one that I must be patient about, my psychiatrist advised, "Time, in time..." And so I thank my friends and family (again) for their emails of encouragement and love. It helps so much to read them and to reach out to you here.

A dear friend who lives 3000 miles away connected with me on the phone last night. We were amazed to discover how many things we have in common right now as we both go through our own distinct healing processes (her's is mainly physical, mine mainly mental. But like the yin yang symbol, we have some of the other that needs healing as well.) We have both reached the age of 40 and began this discussion by claiming our need to write down our "to do" lists was a sign of age. But as we discussed it further, we decided perhaps it was a sign of maturity rather than "age". Yes, it's true I could hold several "to do" items in my mind at one time when I was in my late 20's and early 30's. But I could not do that in my teens or early 20's. I think I had other priorities (like raging hormones for example). My late 20's and 30's were very much about how much I could do, how much I could accomplish. And now that I'm a bit older I am less interested in how much I can accomplish and much more attracted to how attentive I can be to the people in front of me, to the conversation we are having, to the surroundings we find ourselves in. The "to do" lists are a necessary part of daily life but not a defining part of my life as they were less than ten years ago. I am finding that the defining part of my life is the relationships I hold dear. And as I age, I have the great good fortune of knowing and loving many, many dear ones. And now I have a son to add to my blessings. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

It's a little after 7am, and el nino is sleeping in my arms as I type this. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of El's maternal grandma later this morning. She will be staying with us for about a week. And I think she is just hitting the road right about now with my cousin, K. Both of these wonderful ladies came to visit me while I was in the hospital. I'll explain a bit more about that.

I had a meltdown almost a week after El's arrival, and the meltdown took place at the hospital. So I was taken to the emergency room and then the psych ward. The really hard part was getting out of the psych ward to visit my baby. And, unfortunately, the doctors and staff continued to tell me (and my husband) that I would have daily access to el nino. This turned out not to be true. In the week and a half I was ensconsed in Chez Psych, I visited El only twice for a total of about an hour. Not what I would call daily access.

It's been tough to admit to myself that I lost control of my life, my mind, and my son for even a brief amount of time. But I think the story needs to be told for my own benefit and perhaps the benefit of others (if the telling helps one other, then that would be more than enough). So I expect I will continue to share bits of this experience with you, dear readers, as time moves on.

I am surprised to hear my friends tell me, "Oh, those first few weeks were really hard - the hardest. I cried every day..." or something to that affect. I don't think I had any idea how powerful the hormones are that course through a woman's body after giving birth and how doggone tired we are after labor. T-I-R-E-D! Hence the apt name of "labor".

And yes, it is vitally important to have help right after the baby comes, and that help is needed whether the baby comes home right away or has to stay in the hospital. And mothers, especially new mothers like me, need to be Humble (with a capital H) and accept the help AND the advice because, believe it or not, after going through labor you do NOT suddenly know everything you need to know. And, if you're someone like me who thought she knew everything before labor, you are in for even more of a shock.

But now our dear boy is home with us, and it is time for happier stories (for the moment at least). I had to interrupt my soliloquy to put El down in his bassinet. He makes noises when he sleeps, little squeeks and moaning cries. Are these the sounds he makes while dreaming, as his father believes? Are they the creaks and groans of growing "pains"? Or are they the delightful babble of life itself before language intervenes?

Another of the lessons I've learned in the few short weeks since el nino's birth (other than humility) is to not make assumptions. Ah is this hard! I've learned it's not good to make assumptions, but I haven't learned HOW not to make them yet. If I get a clue, I'll pass it along to you. (By the way, I don't mean the biblical kind of assumption.) So I won't assume that El's sounds are any of the explanations I've listed above. Good luck to you in your journey through the day and may you breathe freely, feel an ounce of humility, and make one less assumption. All our love.

This blog began as an update for family and friends during my pregnancy. Now I will be writing it about El Nino's adventures outside of the womb. And in an effort to protect his privacy I will be referring to him as "el nino" or "el" for short. I will attempt to refrain from posting pictures of "el" as well. But the one here seems anonymous enough.

This is "El" on his birthday being helped by his nurse. El came home from the NICU earlier this week. We are all grateful and excited to be home together at last.

The NICU doctors told us to expect El to come home at the end of November. But El was in a hurry to come out into the world and in a hurry to come home too. So after 3 weeks in the hospital, mommy and daddy brought el nino home. Our daugh (we think of our dog as a full member of the family. She is a bit of a daughter to us, thus the "new" way to spell dog) was not sure what to make of el and proceeded to ignore him for the first several hours he was home. Then she was ready to sniff el, but Dad had other ideas. So the full sniff has yet to take place between them. I will keep you posted.

El had his first appointment with his pediatrician. He has now reached the 5 pound mark (Yipppeee - mom had set that particular weight as a significant milestone), and he has lengthened by an inch and a half since birth. So El's appetite has proven advantageous.

I apologize for the lag between postings, but I'm sure you can understand how hectic the days and weeks have been between our last posting and this one. I look forward to updating you on el's (and our) progress. All our love.